Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Panties = found
Randomize
