This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Even my vagina gasped.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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