Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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