I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
