i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
