my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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