You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
