420 ftw
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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