Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
