Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
