Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
