Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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