I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
