Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
