After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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