based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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