Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize