Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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