if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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