See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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