I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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