EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
