I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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