i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
