I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
