Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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