there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
