he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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