this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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