Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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