Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
