Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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