I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
