my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
