from now on my penis is your penis
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
