I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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