Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
