i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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