this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
