I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
