i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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