I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
