Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
