dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Randomize
