@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
