everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
