I looked at my own cervix.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize
