So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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