i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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