The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
