If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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