you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
