mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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