somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
