did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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